I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
