3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
