I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
