I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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