i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
