These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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