There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
