so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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