Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
