we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
