My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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