We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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