did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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