my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
And then he peed in my hair
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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