...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
