Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
