Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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