You just made me feel so damn special
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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