The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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