Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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