just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
