# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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