my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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