I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
