Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
