Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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