1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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