you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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