I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
