and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
