At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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