I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
