the condom got lost in my hair
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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