dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
