So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
