My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
