I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
