apparently the secret to your success is patron
This gyro tastes like lonliness
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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