dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
