someone owes me an orgasm
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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