maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
as a side note pls kill me
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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