i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she looked like the before picture.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
