dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
false alarm, still single
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