my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
When did angry sex become our thing?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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