should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
