You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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