i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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