I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
