drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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