He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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